Welcome to Virus Radio, playing Georgia’s pandemic hits 24 hours a day! Heck, this is Georgia, baby, and we don’t do no stinkin’ numbers and facts, so, starting tomorrow, we are gonna broadcast 25 hours a day, eight days a week.
This is DJ CJ with your Morning Drive for all you essential workers out there heading to your essential jobs — the health care workers, first responders, food prep folks, hair stylists, tattoo artists, massage therapists, nail technicians and, of course, our essential gun shop personnel in case we need to buy a gun to shoot anyone we see walking around with perfect nails and hair tomorrow.
Coming up this hour, we’ve got new updated tunes like Bob Marley’s “No Woman, No Cry” (now “No Testy, No Find”), The Knack’s classic “My My My Corona,” and, of course, Johnny Rivers’ “Rockin’ Pneumonia and the Boogie Woogie Flu … Which Could Be Coronavirus But I Can’t Get Tested to Know for Sure.”
A reminder that this half-hour is brought to you commercial-free by Corona beer. Corona — Sure, you idiots will drink Clorox but not Corona beer. What’s up with that?
Now, pull down those masks, you guinea pigs, and sing along as we rock our way into what very well could be your last morning alive with some pandemic classics — “I Will Survive,” “Don’t Fear the Reaper,” “Stayin’ Alive,” “Sign of the Times,” “Beat It,” and Jay-Z’s “99 Problems,” which, coincidentally, is the same number as coronavirus symptoms.
And stay tuned during our noon hour for special live performances by Weezer, The Cure, Public Enemy and The Zombies … for whom a live performance is rather ironic, I guess. The late Johnny Paycheck, of course, can’t be with us, but his backup band the Paycheck Protection Program will be joining us, as well. …
Welcome back to Virus Radio and the Afternoon Drive with DJ CJ! I know Rockin’ Ricky is supposed to do the Afternoon Drive, but he had a long overdue massage appointment on Friday, and now he’s on a ventilator. But does that stop the tunes from spreading like false information from a conspiracy nut’s Twitter feed? No! In fact, I’m going to drink a toast to Ricky right now. Ricky, this one’s for you. Ahh, Lysol. Goes down smooth every time.
Now this one goes out to all my toilet paper hunters out there prowling the aisles of the grocery store in a quest for two-ply, one-ply or even half a ply. It’s the classic from the Rolling Stones “You Can’t Always Get What You Want.” Of course, the Stones are in a certain age group that may be more susceptible to coronavirus, but Keith Richards just reported that he is now chain-smoking COVID-19-laced cigarettes and feels just fine.
Now, let’s go to the request line. Oh, hi, Gov. Kemp! Yes, I imagine you do feel like you’ve been thrown under a bus. A song about shoes to cheer you up? Oh, a song by the shoes? No, that’s not Old Shoes — it’s actually a pretty bad 80s band called Nu Shooz. The song is “I Can’t Wait.” I can certainly see why you like that song.
What’s that? Sorry, sir, we’re trying to limit requests to one per day, but since you helped me get my bowling league going again, I’ll be happy to play “She Blinded Me With Science” for you tomorrow. Yes, I did see what he did. Yes, “The Wheels on the Bus Go ‘Round and ‘Round” indeed.
We must interrupt the Afternoon Drive with DJ CJ for the Coronavirus Task Force Briefing and Comedy Hour.
Trump: OK, questions. Yeah, you, the fake news CNN chick. What nasty question do you have as the enemy of the people? And remember to keep your voice down.
Kaitlan Collins: Sir, you said that you had “total authority” over the U.S. response to the virus but also said you took “no responsibility at all” for testing failures so … Um, excuse me. What are you doing and why are you wearing a big fake nose? Are you dancing?
Trump: Do the Trumpty Trump, come on and do the Trumpty Trump. Do the Trumpty Trump, just watch me do the Trumpty Trump.