Pause the boycott, kick off those New Balance sneakers and enjoy a Kirk Cameron movie

Another week, another boycott. Yawn.

That was me yawning, not Nike, of course. The folks at Nike are jumping up and down and yelling because their sales are soaring. I don’t think it has anything to do with the Colin Kaepernick ad. It likely has more to do with folks who just like to see boycotty snowflakes melt with rage and have fun making it happen.

I admit that I do like to see snowflakes melt — and I’ve found over the last few years that the folks who scream “SNOWFLAKE!” the loudest are often the most easily offended and always feel persecuted. Yes, it is so hard being a straight white male from a long line of privilege. It’s like time-honored values such as misogyny, racism and homophobia are just fading by the wayside. Awww.

I don’t like to see snowflakes melt enough to go out and buy a Nike t-shirt, though. That’s kind of a personal thing with me. I just don’t like shilling for brands and corporations. Well, except Margaritaville. I’ve done enough shilling for that brand that Jimmy ought to let me have one of his retirement homes for free. I did head to the gym last week in a Nike t-shirt that my wife bought me just to see if some loud-mouthed snowflake might have something to say. Just out of curiosity, of course.

Boycotts are nothing new. The Montgomery Bus Boycott was just a little over 60 years ago — when America was “great” — and really helped accelerate the Civil Rights Movement. But lately boycotts have evolved into petty protestations that people do not think the same way you do. “MY THOUGHTS SHALL NEVER BE CHALLENGED!”

Lately right-wingers have boycotted — or at least said they were boycotting (but not really) — Netflix, the NFL, Nordstroms, Starbucks, Target, Anheuser-Busch, Macys, Nabisco, Amazon and Pepsi. Big deal. I’ve been boycotting Pepsi for years, but for the right reason — taste. And last I checked, Amazon is doing quite well as Jeff Bezos makes more money in a day than President Trump pays out daily to keep various women quiet. That is not fake news because I got it straight from an aninominunimous source inside the White House who guarantees Bezos makes more money in a day than that. He makes more money in a day than I will in 1,247 lifetimes.

Of course, right-wingers don’t have a monopoly on boycotts that don’t work. Liberals have boycotted — or at least said they were (but not really) — Chik-Fil-A, In-N-Out, Hobby Lobby, Papa John’s, Trump Steaks, Trump Winery, Trump Hotels, anybody who advertises with Hannity, Ingraham and Limbaugh, as well as Amazon. If centrists also start boycotting Amazon, Bezos will have to start laying off some of his welfare-recipient workers to keep his $100 million-a-day income intact.

It appears that if left-wing folks really boycotted everything they said they would, they would probably starve and get trampled to death by angry cows mooing “Eat mor chikin, libral!” And if right-wingers boycotted everything they said they would, then they would just sit around watching Kirk Cameron movies on DVDs all day. No, make that VHS.

And, hey, my boycotts haven’t fared all that well, either. I intended to boycott the gym, all Falcons games with Steve Sarkisian as offensive coordinator and any facility that plays rap music made after 1989, but I haven’t been successful.

Meanwhile, like both right-wingers and left-wingers, I’ve also tried to boycott Amazon in my home only to have my wife and some lady named Alexa fight my efforts.

It’s not so much that I want Jeff Bezos forced to learn what it’s like to live on a salary of just $10 million a day. I just want to someday be able to open my email account again without half the subject lines starting “Your Amazon order of …”

At least I know where Bezos gets his millions from.

Leave a Reply