The top-secret transcript of Biden’s last call with Putin

Some of you may not know that writing newspaper columns, books and blogs is not my real job. I mean, it all pays incredible money and I often roll around naked in cash like Demi Moore in “Indecent Proposal,” but I do have a real job — on the White House staff as an advisor to the president.

I spend a lot of time with President Joe Biden helping him navigate the complexities of the Covid response, increasing inflation amid even-further-increasing corporate profits and handling his Twitter account. Lately, though, I’ve spent a lot of time helping him with the problem of Russia’s aggressive moves toward the sovereign nation of Ukraine.

Now, this may get me in an awful lot of trouble, but I think it’s only fair that I share with you what is being said between President Biden and Russian President/Dictator Vladimir Putin, kinda Col. Vindman style. I hope it helps you feel better about the situation. Here’s a transcript of their latest call.

Me: Mr. President, the phone is ready.

Biden: Thank you, sonny. Sara, get me Juanita over at the diner. I need to see if they’ve got salmon patties today.

Me: No sir. Putin.

Biden: I did. Sorry about that.

Me: No, Vladimir Putin of Russia is on the phone.

Biden: Oh yeah. Hey, Vladdy ol’ boy, what’s happening?

Me: Sir, he’s staged troops for a possible invasion of …

Biden: Wait, don’t tell me. Uruguay? Uganda? Uzbekistan? Utah? I know it start with a U.

Putin: Why would anyone invade Utah?

Biden: You kidding me? The Great Salt Lake. Outstanding fishing. I know a great little bait and tabernacle shop.

Me: Ukraine, sir. Putin is positioning troops for a possible invasion of Ukraine.

Biden: What?! What’s this I hear about this troop staging on the Ukraine border, Vladdy? More than a hundred thousand?

Putin: I assure you I have no plan for invasion. Those are Russian Boy Scouts. Big jamboree on eastern border of Ukraine. Other jamborees on southern border with Crimea and northern border with Belarus.

Biden: Are those the ones with the cookies? I do like a good thin mint.

Putin: No, you think of the Girl Scouts. These are Boy Scouts getting their badges — you know, in first aid, baking, archery, grenade-tossing, missile-launching, armored personnel carrier driving … the basic stuff.

Biden: MALARKEY! You and I both know there ain’t no baking badge in the Boy Scouts. I smell a ruse!

Me: No, sir. That time you really did.

Biden: Oh, sorry. Anyway, Vladimir, if your “scouts” set one foot into Ukraine, I’m going to nuke Moscow!

Putin: What?!

Me: We can’t do that, sir.

Biden: What do you mean? I got this button right here, bucko. You know what happens when I hit it like this …

Putin: Nooooooo!

Other staffer: Here’s your Diet Coke, Mr. President.

Me: Sorry, Mr. Putin. That’s a leftover from the previous Trump administration.

Putin: Oh, yes. My boy Donald.

Biden: Aha! So you did collude with Trump in 2016! I knew it.

Putin: Are you kidding? Um, how you say … uh, malarkey. Donald could not collude with toaster to make toast. I like him because we had similar pecs, but his jiggled while mine do this. Check it out. Up. Down. Up, Down.

Me: Are you shirtless again?

Putin: Of course. Here’s is your answer. Left nipple up, I invade. Right nipple up, I no invade. And …

Me: Sir, this isn’t a video call.

Putin: OK, I send private message on the Facebook.

Me: No thanks. Um, where did President Biden go?

Other staffer: The diner. Turns out it is salmon patty day.

Me: Ugh! Mr. Putin, please just stay out of Ukraine.

Putin: How about Utah?

Me: Have at it.