Political ads and debates are dang near useless

Photo: If this guy ain’t moderating the next debate, I ain’t watching.

When was the last time you saw a political ad that made you think: “Wow, I’ve never thought of it that way. I’m so glad he detailed his plan to improve education. That makes good sense.”

When was the last time you saw a political debate and thought: “I appreciate that they answered the questions asked by the moderators and were respectful of each others’ time by not interrupting. And I think I’ve changed my mind!”

It doesn’t happen. Political ads make it seem like the opposition candidate wants to destroy America or is on the verge of beating you with a hammer. Debates are just a bunch of rehearsed quips and stats that don’t move the needle.

Besides, whom could they possibly reach? The “independent” voter barely exists. Folks are either left or right. The only independent in the middle is Fred Preston of Ideal, Georgia, and he’s only considered independent because he votes Democrat when he’s sober and Republican when he’s drunk and angry. I hear he tried to mow down the Dollar General last night with his tractor, so it sounds like he’s gonna early-vote red this year.

I’ve got plenty of suggestions that would make election season better — not that a single one would ever happen. One is to outlaw gerrymandering. Another is to blow up the primary format in presidential years when Iowans, New Hampshirians, uh, Hamshirites, Hampshirds, I dunno, and South Carolinians have way more decision-making power than other states. In my perfect election, you’d have 10 diverse states vote each week for five weeks, and these states would vote in different order each year. I’d also like to encourage early voting with an app that doesn’t allow political ads on your TV after you vote. I bet everybody would vote on the first possible day.

But it ain’t happening. So, I’ve got to work with what we’ve got and make minor tweaks to the existing system. Therefore, my main proposal for future elections is to have Samuel L. Jackson moderate each debate as Jules Winnfield from “Pulp Fiction” or at least the armed robber from “Coming to America.”

Jackson: Senator Stromwell. Yes or no. Will you support more funding for Ukraine?

Sen. Stromwell: Well, first we have to consider whether …

Jackson: That didn’t sound like yes or no to me. Why don’t you try again while I polish my Saturday night special here?

Sen. Stromwell: Um, sure.

Jackson: I said, yes or no. Is that so $@#&-ing hard to understand? Now, Rep. Stinkins…

Rep. Stinkins: YES!

Jackson: I didn’t ask you nothin’ yet!

Rep. Stinkins: Still, YES! Just in case.

Jackson: Final answer? I was gonna ask if Sen. Stromwell’s campaign’s accusations that you killed a puppy while high as a kite in 1987 was true, but …

Rep. Stinkins: Oh, then NO!

Jackson: Too late, @$%#&! Now, Ms. Loeffler, I thought you already lost. Anyway, I want you to make any coherent statement without using the words “radical liberal.” Go.

Loeffler: Um, beep.

Jackson: Y’all get that %#@$&_ing malfunctioning android off my &#$% stage! Now, Mr. Warnock, about President Biden.

Warnock: Who?

Jackson: Bi-Den. Would you support him running again?

Warnock: Running what?

Jackson: Somebody evict this $#&* off my stage like he’s a resident of that apartment complex for needy $#@&s!

Walker: Check out this badge! I’m an FBI State Patrol EPA agent, and I’m gonna arrest some Chinese for stealing our good air. My 3-5 children gotta breathe.

Jackson: Give that plastic piece of #@$%& back to the Dollar Tree and get off my %$@#-ing stage. As for all you morons watching at home: Check out the platforms. Read something. And tune all this stupid #@$% out. Take a look at their platforms. Vote on the issues. And if I ask you, “What’s in your wallet?” your answer better be “a %@#$! voter registration card.”