Snowflakes on both sides need to hold their taters

There are certain historic moments that no one can forget where they were when they heard the news. Last week we saw another such historic moment when Hasbro announced that it was dropping the “Mr.” and “Mrs.” from the Potato Head toy brand.

Ultimately, they clarified that even though they were simply marketing the toy as “Potato Head,” the Mr. and Mrs. elements were not being removed. They were simply being less prevalent in the packaging.

I’m pretty sure where I was when I heard the news — probably on the couch and probably watching Fox News because that’s the kind of place where folks get riled up when you take a Native American woman off a package of butter or steal Aunt Jemima’s job and give it to the Pearl Milling Company.

“This is the last straw!” bellowed Sean Hannity.

“Earth is doomed!” screamed Tucker Carlson.

“It’s a toy!” exclaimed normal humans.

“I didn’t wear this dress for you to not get my legs in the shot!” yelled Lisa Boothe.

If Hasbro’s intention was to get a bunch of older straight white snowflakes to run around clutching their Mr. Potato Heads and telling everyone in their best Charlton Heston voice that folks “can have my Mr. Tater Head when they pry it from my cold, dead hands!”, well, mission accomplished.

If their intention was to be more inclusive, that probably won’t work because the kinds of folks woke enough to care about the gender (or gender identity) of plastic potatoes are too busy being aggrieved and demanding apologies and resignations on Twitter 24/7.

It likely won’t have much effect on sales, either. I doubt many kids are clamoring to get a plastic potato so they can put a hat on its head. I’m sure I had a Mr. Potato Head as a child because we all did back then. It was the closest thing we had to video games.

“Check this out, Billy! You can put this little hat right on his head! And, look! Off again!”

“Wow! I’m glad they haven’t invented Donkey Kong yet!”

If Hasbro is hoping inclusivity encourages liberals to buy Potato Heads for their children, nieces and nephews, that’s also likely to be a draw. Sure, Aunt Jenny from Vermont who attended Mount Holyoke and twice voted for Bernie will buy a few for birthdays and Christmases. But Uncle Billy Bob who graduated from Jimmy’s School of Transmission Repair and switched to watching Newsmax because he thinks Fox is just too liberal and didn’t get that Lisa Boothe joke, is boycotting Hasbro and planning to buy the kids a collection of Kirk Cameron movies and the new album, “Lee Greenwood Sings Tunes to Keep Kids from Being Gay and Voting Democrat.”

The only good thing about Mr. Potato Head anyway is the “Toy Story” character voiced by the late, great Don Rickles. He had some of the best lines in the movie series, especially when they met all the Barbies in the toy store: I’m a married spud, I’m a married spud.”

If it bothers you that a potato is referred to as Mr. or Mrs., you’re probably a little too snowflakey for me. And if it bothers you that a potato — or a person — no longer wants to be referred to by Mr. or Mrs., well, you’re probably too snowflakey for me, as well.

Now, if all you snowflakes on both sides will excuse me, it’s time to go have a little fun while y’all fight it out.

“I’m coming for ya, Donkey Kong!”


VIDEO (NSFW language): Bill Maher addressed cancel culture at the end of “Real Time” this past Friday … after I sent this column to editors, by the way

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