Quit hogging the election fun, Iowa and New Hampshire!

I’m sure Iowa is a lovely state when it’s not covered by two feet of snow, when it’s above 0 degrees, or when murderous children named Malachi and Isaac aren’t roaming its corn fields.

(But, wait, Chris, wasn’t “Children of the Corn” set in Nebraska? That’s a dumb question because it doesn’t matter. Nebraska and Iowa are both the same giant cornfield, so it doesn’t make a difference.)

It also doesn’t make a difference whom you prefer during presidential primary season unless you live in Iowa or some theoretical state called New Hampshire where Census records show that no one actually lives — which, quite frankly, has me considering a move there.

Perhaps in a tight race unlike this year’s disappointing foregone conclusions on each side a few South Carolinians, Nevadans, Michiganders and Virgin Islanders still might have a say during the month of February, but that’s it! The rest of us folks from normal states have no say after that.

There were a whole bunch of Republican candidates for president just a few months ago, and then after 14 brain-frozen white folks made their picks earlier this week we’re down to just three candidates — Donald Trump and two folks who’ve spent the past year trying to convince his loyalists that they are exactly like Trump, only less orange-y.

Their strategies, by the way, don’t seem to be working very well. Ron DeSantis bragged that he visited all 99 counties in Iowa. (I suspect about 8 counties is all Iowa actually needs.) Do you know how many of those counties he won? A grand total of zero. The poor fella had to go around and give 27,546 painfully fake smiles for nothing!

And the polls show that Nikki Haley would clobber Joe Biden in a general election, but what’s the point? If she did pull off a giant upset in New Hampshire and then somehow get the nomination without the help of Colonel Sanders or Ronald McDonald, Trump would just say the primary process was rigged and encourage his loyalists to stay home in the general election, ensuring a Biden win.

(My 7-year-old grandson pulled something similar on Sunday when I beat him in a Wii baseball game. “You cheated!” “How’d I cheat?!” “You’re old!”)

By the time these three folks are through with New Hampshire and then South Carolina, I suspect it will be down to just one fella. About 45 states will then cast pointless primary votes along with U.S. territories like Guam, American Samoa and Nantucket.

(And, yes, I know that Nantucket is not a territory but a drag queen in Florida who is not even allowed to vote in a GOP primary.)

American democracy could benefit from a great many things — including a shorter campaign season, the end of the two-party system and by getting all the big money out of it. And we desperately need a five-week primary system in which 10 states that vary in demographics and power vote each week, with the order switching up each election so that a couple of states no longer have way too much say-so in our leaders. And in the sixth week, the U.S. territories and Nan Tuckit could cast their votes.

Such a system would be fair and keep folks interested in all the candidates. And we could quit wasting so much money and fake smiles and deep-fried possum-on-a-sticks (or is it possums-on-a-stick?) at the Iowa State Fair. The American electorate should be energized and as excited as Marjorie Taylor-Greene is about showing Hunter Biden’s naughty parts during public congressional hearings.

But, alas, it won’t happen. The reconfigured primary season, that is. The naughty parts at public hearings, though, that’s here to stay — although Marjorie Taylor-Greene has reserved the balance of her time for her new show on C-Span After Dark.

What do you think about this?