Protesters should ditch their tents for hammocks

On college campuses across America, little tent cities of kids addicted to protest culture are popping up and getting in the way of normal students who are engaging in far more common collegiate endeavors like racking up tens of thousands of dollars in debt on their way to achieving a Bachelor of Arts degree in Taylor Swift studies or stealing rival Northwest Junior Central State University’s bulldog mascot so that North Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem can shoot it in the head.

You know, normal college stuff that we’ll all laugh about someday. 

If you watch Fox News, you might think these protesting students make up 99 percent of the student body, when we all know that 50 percent of the student body consists of pizza and the other 60 percent beer.

At least, that’s the way it was with my student body. (And, no, I wasn’t a math major.)

Most of the students I’ve heard being interviewed really don’t understand the situation in the Middle East, nor that it’s always been hopeless and always will be hopeless. I’m not even sure some know what they’re protesting, only that in the name of peace that they must go shout some obscenities at that Jewish kid on his way to Taylor Swift 101.

Much like politicians, these protesting kids do way too much talking and yelling and way too little listening. They should hear all sides of the Israel-Gaza situation and contemplate solutions from all angles so that they can finally realize that the whole region is hopeless. Maybe they’ll even figure out that folks can hate Hamas without anti-Palestinian or that folks can care about civilian deaths in Gaza without being anti-Semetic.

Then, they can take down their tents and get away from that smelly hippie screaming “From the river to sea …” When have tent cities ever been associated with something good anyway?

I think if these protesters had hammocks instead of tents, this would be a completely different situation. As an owner of both a tent and a hammock, I know what I’m talking about.

Tents are best when they are pitched in the woods, far away from other humans, especially humans who chant … well, anything. Yet, even when pitched in perfect locations, tents just don’t measure up to a hammock.

When you’re in a hammock, you don’t think much about war or political issues. You also would rather hear jazz, steel drums or Jimmy Buffett music instead of chants. Instead of contemplating going to jail, you consider going to sleep. There are no hammock extremists. I’ve never seen a police officer angrily ripping down a hammock. And nobody sets up a hammock city on college campuses. If they did, the kids would be far more chill and wouldn’t come up with dumb ideas like punishing Joe Biden over the war in Gaza by helping to elect Donald Trump, who is even less likely to help Palestinians.

Brilliant, geniuses! Just brilliant.

The dumbest idea anyone in a hammock comes up with is taking a nap while holding a frozen margarita. That’s one cold wake-up call. Trust me.

Certainly, these kids have a right to protest peacefully, though today’s protest-culture kids appear to find peaceful protesting and nonviolence pretty boring. They’d rather poke at cops and then whine when they get poked back or interfere with folks driving to work and picking up their kids or disrupt normal college students who go to college in an effort to learn something important.

Like Taylor Swift studies.

Or that what’s going on in the Middle East right now is far more nuanced than a chant or flag or sign can sum up.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna lie in my hammock and stage a protest against woke culture. No, wait, that’s not it. Oh yeah, I’m protesting awake culture.

I hope these protesting kids figure this complicated mess out before I wake up, but I seriously doubt any solutions are going to come out of their stinky tent cities.

What do you think about this?