Remember when we all gathered on hillsides with soda and wanted to teach the world to sing?

This world is a fragile place. We’ve got nuclear weapons pointed this way and that. There are doomsday ice shelves threatening to break away and flood the oceans any year, day or minute now. We’ve got 1 percent of the American population dictating our economic policies. And there are like zero biscuits at the grocery store.

Who hoardes biscuits?! Have you no shame?!

There are problems all over the world and problems here in America. There are problems on Aisle 3 of Groceries R Us. Even in Wal-Mart, I have to check myself out these days.

“Sir, what are you doing?”

“Checking myself out. That’s what these mirrors are for, right? I think I look pretty good in this little black dress, don’t you?”

“Well, it might look better if you shaved your legs.”

“Hey, I feel pretty, and that’s what counts!”

Sometimes it may seem that the world cannot be saved. The people who think it seems that way are the people who watch television news or listen to talk radio. But I have figured out how we can fix the whole dang world or at least turn it around and point it in the right direction. Yes, I alone have the solution.

Here’s the plan, and I’m gonna need all of you on board: Just make the world at least the tiniest bit better for you having been on this planet. I’m not asking you to be the next Martin Luther King Jr., Clara Barton or Mother Teresa. Just make the world better for your having been in it. At least keep it neutral — no better, but no worse.

Imagine if all of us could do our tiniest parts. I mean, there are 8 billion people on this planet — and I just bumped into half of them at the grocery store — so 8 billion folks doing a little bit can become an awful lot en masse.

The problem with this world isn’t all the horrible humans who’ve been on it. Sure, Hitler and Putin and Stalin and Pol Pot and their ilk have all done way more than their fair share to drag us down. But it’s the hundreds of thousands or millions — such as politicians who put their own interests over that of their own country or the masses they’re supposed to represent — who truly weigh us down and make it harder for the billions of us do-gooders to make a difference because the do-badders each make the world a little worse. Collectively, they make it a lot worse.

Even some well-meaning decent folks who’ve tried to uplift us have can set us back, too. When I was a child, a bunch of ethnically diverse hippies gathered on a hillside and tried to teach the world to sing and get everybody drinking Coca-Cola. Today, we now have the horrors of modern “country” music and rap and a diabetes epidemic. I’m not necessarily blaming those hippies, but I think if they’d have tried to teach the world to play some actual musical instruments and drink a cool glass of water every now and then, we might be better off today.

Again, you don’t have to go overboard:

  • If you lead a company, maybe care a little more about your employees than your bonuses, stockholders and pretending inflation is why you jacked up prices to rack up record profits.
  • If you’re rich, enjoy it, but also support charities and don’t dodge taxes — legally or illegally — thereby shifting the tax burden to the working class (known today as the American way).
  • If you’re a star, sign a few extra autographs.
  • If you’re a politician, trade power for integrity. No, it doesn’t work in today’s national politics, and America’s billionaires will just go buy another Congressman, but at least you can sleep at night.
  • If you’re an average person, pick up an extra piece of litter sometimes.
  • And for the love of all that is holy, put your damn shopping carts back where they belong!

Unfortunately, I know the worst humans on the planet, such as Vladimir Putin, are not gonna change. I kinda feel sad for the guy. It’s sad to think that the world is worse off simply because you ever existed, that your existence is nothing more than a total waste of human flesh. It just doesn’t seem existentially worth it.

No matter how much Tucker Carlson loves you.

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