This year I resolve to have important resolutions only

New Year’s Eve/Day used to be my favorite holiday. Granted, a few different holidays have had that distinction over the years.

Of course, as a child Christmas was my favorite holiday because, you know, toys. Then someone hacked Santa’s website and put me on the naughty list, and the toys stopped coming. After the hack, some folks in India — usually named “Steve” or “Mary” — began to call and warn me that the extended warranty on my tricycle was about to expire. (I couldn’t ever verify the make and model of my tricycle because the cord on that wall phone wasn’t quite long enough.)

“OK, we’ll call you back in 45 years. A lot.”

Then Halloween became my favorite because, you know, candy. And then the Fourth of July because, you know, stuff exploding … legally. Kinda. The good stuff was illegal in Georgia back then, so we had to drive all the way over to Phenix City — an hour and a half from my hometown — and bring back stuff just powerful enough to make a cool loud pop, a pretty shower of colors and maybe blow up a small to medium-sized vacant building.

“Chris, you sure that old folks home was vacant?”

“Oh yeah, I saw them roll out after we fired those bottle rockets.”

But New Year’s then became my favorite holiday. It was an opportunity for renewal and improvement. Granted, I was dang near perfect, but I figured if about 280 million or so other folks made some important life changes, perhaps I could stand to live with them.

Now, my favorite holiday is June 20. It’s my birthday, and at this point in my life, every birthday is a surprise birthday party because I’m surprised I make it. And you’d be surprised how important my birthday is to folks around the world, including in such third-world nations as West Virginia — where the holiday is officially called “West Virginia Day to Celebrate Chris Johnson,” or, as they call it there, “West Virginia Day” for short.

Right now, though, is the time for everyone to reflect upon the New Year’s resolutions they made four days ago and gave up two days ago. I mean, really, can a Falcons fan give up drinking?

I, however, did not make such trivial resolutions such as losing weight, reading more books, meditating or giving up meth (I mean, I am a Falcons fan. It’s medicinal.) I decided to make important resolutions in 2022 that truly matter.

I resolve to help Ghislaine Maxwell write a book titled, “All the Rich Guys Who Are Getting Away with It … Again.”

I resolve to end the Covid pandemic by giving all the variants seats on a SpaceX rocket ship to Mars piloted by Joe Rogan.

I resolve to launch a 24-hour TV news network. At one time, this was a revolutionary concept. While Fox News, CNN and MSNBC waste your time with talking heads and commentators affirming instead of informing, at my network — tentatively called “The News” — we’re going to tell you, um, the news. If successful, we just might branch out into a music channel that plays music (not “How Did My Whiny Butt Get Pregnant?”) and a weather channel that gives you the weather (not “Remember When That Tornado Hit In 1993”).

I resolve to ask Joe Manchin and Vladimir Putin the same question, “What do you want?!”

And I resolve to form a viable third political party — the Do-Stuff Party — now that our two-party system is completely useless.

Wish me luck!

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