Florida’s Mickey Mouse governor, Ron DeSantis, is making official what we’ve all known for months — he’s running for the GOP nomination for president. And I’ve got the copy of his official announcement speech:
My fellow straight Floridians, my name is Ron DeSanctimonious and — um, dadgum, I can’t believe that stupid nickname is so catchy — I mean I’m Ron DeSantis, and I am officially announcing my candidacy for second place in the GOP nominating process.
And with enough help from Ronald McDonald and Colonel Sanders, I could possibly ascend to the actual GOP nomination and become your next president of the United States, a dream I’ve had since Mickey Mouse was Steamboat Willie.
When I am president, we will get the government out of your business — unless, of course, we don’t like your business or if you say something that makes me melt like a snowflake. Just ask Mickey Mouse. He disagreed with one of my policies, and now he and thousands of folks in the Orlando area are paying the price as their livelihoods are in jeopardy. But Mickey hurt my feelings, and as the top snowflake in Florida, I’ll never let it go. It’s on my mind 24/7, and when I’m president, I’ll not only go after Mickey but also that cross-dressing Bugs Bunny.
I promise you this, America: You will not find a straight white man more obsessed with cartoons and drag queens than Ron DeSantis! Heck, I doubt any gay men are as obsessed with those things as I am!
And never forget that Florida is where woke goes to die! Also, your Great Aunt Ethel, but she had a good run.
Why do I go after cartoons and drag queens and books with controversial subjects like sexuality, history and science? Is it because these are issues that are important to me? Nah, I just need your votes, and I’m going to cater to the lowest common denominator if that’s what it takes. Yes, I’m an intelligent man educated on the baseball fields of Yale University, but I’m also spineless with no moral character, so I can be whoever you need me to be, kinda like George Santos.
If you don’t believe I’m spineless, ask me to say something bad about former President Trump, the insurrectionist who pays off porn stars to cover up affairs and dodges taxes and is slightly dumber than a bag of rocks. Nope. I won’t say a thing.
And I will turn America into Florida, only with less of it sinking into the ocean and fewer alligator attacks. I will ban CRT and erase certain history from schools while protecting Confederate monuments in public spaces because you can’t just erase certain history you don’t like.
And let me say something about trans folks competing in sports and trying to pee in restrooms — NOT ON MY WATCH! If you think you can just don a dress and sneak into a girls restroom, think again. We will be checking, and I’ve nominated Rep. Matt Gaetz, another fine Floridian, as our first Peek Up Your Skirt Czar. We all know we can trust Matt because he looks like a televangelist.
And when it comes to guns, we will make sure every teacher in America has at least two in their classroom. I don’t know for sure that it’ll make schools safer, but I suspect we’ll see a lot higher conduct grades for students.
Finally, to all those people who say that I’m aloof, unlikable, a bit of an a-hole — idiots — I’d like to categorically, unequiviocally, and super-duper deny that. Unfortunately, my lawyers and my wife tell me I’m not allowed to.
Thank you for coming. And God bless the United States of Florida.