Some old song titles just don’t cut it anymore

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about the Speaker of the House, Ukraine, the border, inflation, Donald Trump’s legal woes, and President Biden’s sweet little attack dogs. 

And now my head hurts.

So, instead of writing a blog today, I’ve decided to tell you a little about my debut album. Yes, I strum a little guitar and sing like a ferret being run over by a garbage truck, so I’m totally qualified to make it in today’s music scene. Who knows? I could make it so big that I wind up dating Travis Kelce.

My album is called, “Chris Sings Tunes Updated to Reflect Today’s Hypersensitive Times.” What I’ve done is taken 10 old songs that seem a little outdated today and given them completely new titles while tweaking some lyrics here and there.

I don’t have time to go through all the lyrics, but here is the track listing:

THEY’S A MAYBE
(She’s a Lady — Tom Jones)

Tom Jones’ version kind of objectifies women, although most women probably would have been OK with that coming from Tom Jones back in the day. I’ve decided to make it more inclusive and supportive of gender-questioning folks. It’s also good advice to give to your straight buddy checking out someone they think is a straight girl. Whoa, whoa, whoa there, Bubba — they’s a maybe.

HE AIN’T HEAVY, BUT HIS BMI IS OFF THE CHARTS
(He Ain’t Heavy; He’s My Brother — The Hollies)

When The Hollies did that song in 1969, almost nobody was heavy. Everybody was skinny because there weren’t 44-ounce Coca-Colas and Double Quarter Pounders on every corner. Besides, most folks were too busy expanding their minds with LSD to bother with eating. And all the hippies in 1969 were so skinny that they couldn’t find any clothes to fit, so they just ran around nekkid. Today, though, we can’t even fit in airplane seats. We heavy.

THE LAST TRAIN TO CLARKSVILLE OVERTURNED
AND SPILLED TOXIC CRAP EVERYWHERE
(Last Train to Clarksville — The Monkees)

I loved reruns of The Monkees’ short-lived TV show. Did you know that producers originally wanted lead singer Mickey Dolenz to play The Fonz on “Happy Days?” Anyway, trains be crazy these days, and I wouldn’t advise riding on one if your name is Ethylene, Acrolein or Vasoline.

TEXT ME
(Call Me — Blondie)

Sorry, Blondie, but nobody wants to talk on the phone these days. That’s why God gave humans opposable thumbs. For millennia, humans couldn’t figure it out and just went around using those opposable thumbs to cut paper with scissors, hitchhike and taunt colobus monkeys who do not have opposable thumbs and can’t even sing “Last Train to Clarksville.” Opposable thumbs are for texting. I especially hate talking on the phone and highly prefer texts if you’re hellbent on contacting me. I must admit, though, there was a time in the 1980s when Debbie Harry could have called me, called me anytime.

THESE FLIP-FLOPS ARE MADE FOR WALKIN’
(These Boots Are Made for Walkin’ — Nancy Sinatra)

I actually loved the silly video for this Nancy Sinatra song, but I still don’t love boots. If bare feet were good enough for Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble, they should be good enough today. But I’m willing to compromise and meet you halfway at Jimmy Buffett style. Thank goodness there are no more pop tops.

WALKIN’ AFTER MIDNIGHT IS CRAZY
(Walkin’ After Midnight and Crazy — Patsy Cline)

Got a two-fer here from one of the greatest female voices of all-time. With all the crime in America today, you’d be crazy to be out walkin’ after midnight. Heck, you gotta be a little crazy to drive through Macon, Georgia after breakfast.

TROUBLED BRIDGE OVER DIRTY WATER
(Bridge Over Troubled Water — Simon & Garfunkel)

We haven’t exactly taken care of our infrastructure in this country over the past few decades. Fortunately, Congress recently passed an infrastructure bill, and many of those projects already are at the almost-ready-to-start-planning-to-think-about-it stage.

1 PROBLEM
(99 Problems,Jay-Z)

With backup vocals from Kevin McCarthy, we’ve updated this rap smash and dedicated it to Matt Gaetz. (Wait! Dang it! There I go thinking about politics again!)

HECK, ANY RAIN
(Purple Rain)

I don’t know about y’all, but we ain’t gettin’ no rain around my house anymore. I saw Prince in concert once and saw him perform all the hits, including “Purple Rain.” Of course, when he sang, “If you know what I’m singin’ about up here, come on and raise your hands,” I just kinda raised my hand halfway because I’m still not 100% sure myself. But I’ll take purple rain if it’ll keep my grass from dying.

LOOK WHAT TRUMP MADE ME DO
(Look What You Made Me Do — Taylor Swift)

Aw, c’mon, how could I not mention Taylor Swift … or politics, again? My final song on my debut album features an entire choir providing backing vocals including Rudy Guiliani, Sidney Powell, Mark Meadows, Kenneth Chesebro, Michael Flynn, Paul Manafort, David Shafer, John Eastman, Jenna Ellis, Roger Stone, George Papadopoulos and about 275 others. I’d share the link to the music video, but there was some X-rated behavior by one of the dancers, Lauren Boebert. Fortunately, we are re-shooting it with a lady who swears she is a fine, upstanding human being — Georgia Santos.

p.s. — I stole all the music for my updated songs from Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On,” but please don’t tell anybody because I don’t want to get sued.