Every year, I make a few New Year’s resolutions. I don’t usually make them public because the last thing I need in my life is someone holding me accountable to what I say or write. It’d be like if President Trump said something like, “We’re gonna build a big, beautiful wall, and Mexico is gonna pay for it,” and his supporters actually held him to it.

No, I can’t handle accountability any more than he can. Unfortunately, I can’t blame everybody else — Democrats, the fake news, the Fed, Rosie O’Donnell — for my failures. If I make a resolution, publicly, I’ve got to own it.

Over the years I’ve privately made the resolution to lose 15 pounds in the coming year with a combination of better eating and more exercise. I’ve made that resolution so many times that by now I should weigh approximately minus-125 pounds. Having recently purchased a couple pair of new blue jeans for the winter — assuming it gets cold enough to wear them — I can verify that I must not weigh minus-125 pounds. Continue reading