Tag: marjorie taylor greene

My simple solution for America’s roads

My simple solution for America’s roads

The No. 1 song on the day I was born was “The Long and Winding Road” by The Beatles. I think that was supposed to be symbolic, but while my road has been quite winding, it’s actually been rather short and generally leads me around in circles through potholes and into occasional animals such as deer, stray dogs or David Allan Coe, whose mama also once got runned over by a damned ol’ train once. Or so I’ve heard. Fortunately, he was so drunk he barely noticed that he totaled my truck. The insurance company agreed to fix the front […]

In this age of dumb conspiracy theories, I have a few little ones of my own

In this age of dumb conspiracy theories, I have a few little ones of my own

We are now living in the age of conspiracy theories. It’s probably no coincidence that we’re also living in the age of dwindling journalism staffs, attacks on books, surging artificial intelligence capabilities and addiction to social media, where people believe headlines they see fly by on their phones whether they are from a conspiracy nut like Alex Jones or a serious source of investigative journalism like The Onion.  The latest fellow to come out as ignorant — though I do commend him for his bravery — is Tyler Owens, a defensive back from Texas Tech who recently made comments at […]

Breakdancing ain’t no substitute for football

Breakdancing ain’t no substitute for football

As long as I can remember — which is usually about as far back as yesterday’s lunch — I’ve suffered from Seasonal Affective Disorder. Granted, it’s probably way down the list of my disorders, but it’s about to kick in big time. Seasonal Affective Disorder, also known as SAD or as the winter blahs, is primarily caused by reduced hours of sunlight which was mandated by Obama-era officials trying to curb global warming. Fortunately, Donald Trump says that if he is elected, he will pass a note to his jail guard demanding that Congress pass a law creating 23 hours […]

Quit hogging the election fun, Iowa and New Hampshire!

Quit hogging the election fun, Iowa and New Hampshire!

I’m sure Iowa is a lovely state when it’s not covered by two feet of snow, when it’s above 0 degrees, or when murderous children named Malachi and Isaac aren’t roaming its corn fields. (But, wait, Chris, wasn’t “Children of the Corn” set in Nebraska? That’s a dumb question because it doesn’t matter. Nebraska and Iowa are both the same giant cornfield, so it doesn’t make a difference.) It also doesn’t make a difference whom you prefer during presidential primary season unless you live in Iowa or some theoretical state called New Hampshire where Census records show that no one […]

2024 — The Year in Preview

2024 — The Year in Preview

I’ve been doing my annual Year in Preview as long as I can remember. Then again, I can’t remember what I had for lunch yesterday, so that’s not saying too much. (It likely was a possum sammich, but it could have been a bowl of squirrel and dumplings.) Folks tell me I’ve been providing this critical public prognostication service since the last millennium — I assume toward the end of the last millennium, but they weren’t overly specific. And I won’t be stopping anytime soon because when you have the gift for seeing into the future as I have, it […]

Congress is becoming the new middle school — but less mature

Congress is becoming the new middle school — but less mature

Welcome to the November assembly of the Capitol Middle School Student Government Association. My name is Mr. Johnson, and as part of my probation, I’ve been ordered to guide you the rest of this year. It was either that or clean the orangutan area at Zoo Atlanta, so please don’t make me regret my decision. Yes, Marjorie? MARJORIE: I just wanted to … ME: Um, please stand up when addressing everyone. MARJORIE: I am! ME: Oh, OK. Proceed. MARJORIE: I have it on good authority — or as we say in my neighborhood, I seen it on them interwebs — […]

Minor issues like dress codes have a tendency to Fester

Minor issues like dress codes have a tendency to Fester

When I write about dress codes, a lot of folks — especially women, and specifically among this particular group of humans, my wife — tend to get all upset with my opinions on how folks should be able to dress.  With a few exceptions here and there, my general opinion is that you ought to be able to dress however you dang well please. I’ve always been the guy pushing dress codes to the limit. In school, I found board shorts that I could pull down just enough to barely meet our vice principal’s measuring stick to determine if they […]

Are they scared of drag queens, books or both?

Are they scared of drag queens, books or both?

When I got married on Key West’s Smather’s Beach back in 2012, the honeymoon opportunities were pretty endless. My preferred outing was a snorkeling excursion in which a catamaran dropped us off over a stunning coral reef. It was also the first time my wife tried to strangle me as she climbed upon my back with her arms around my neck when a 5-foot reef shark swam right in front of us. The first time your wife tries to kill you is always the most memorable, especially when it’s in such a beautiful tropical location.  Later, my wife got to […]