The Kudzu Kronicle

Because not all Southerners are the same

Tag: NBA

It’s so easy to confuse Mitt Romney with Dr. John

There is a major problem in the United States that no one addresses. As a pseudo-journalist whose name has yet to appear on President Trump’s enemies list, it falls upon to me to address this very serious issue. I know I’m not on the list because former FBI Director James Comey did not bring it up during his appearance on “The View.” (Or was I was watching Lurch on “The Addams Family?”)

Anyway, this major problem is from the world of sports. And, no, I’m not talking about that quarterback who took a knee — Colin Kaeppur … Caperni … Whatever, I don’t feel like googling how to spell it right now.

No, this issue involves the NBA. It’s not about the games taking way too long with 27 timeouts and 45 free throws in the final two minutes. I’m not talking about the fact that they banned actual defensive effort since 1998. I’m not even talking about how you can’t enjoy the game anymore because they feel compelled to play horrible music between play and even worse music during play.

“All this dribbling and dunking is making me sleepy. Hey, I know! Play that ‘Seven Nation Army’ thing again!”

I’m talking, of course, about the biggest problem in the NBA, professional sports and quite possibly American history. I’m talking about the Utah Jazz.

What do you mean, “What about the Utah Jazz?” What a stupid question?! You just said the words “Utah Jazz!” That’s the problem. Those two words should never go together. There’s nothing jazzy about Utah. There’s barely anything even musical about Utah. Continue reading

This story is a lot of bull

Rarely do I share news involving the term “rectal reconstruction.” It’s not so much that I find the concept itself so disturbing but more that it reminds me of my old punk rock band, Rectal Reconstruction. We opened a few shows for the Butthole Surfers back in the 1990s.

Every now and then, we hear a story of a matador getting gored during a bullfight. Fans of this activity crowd arenas and yell things like “¡ole!” and “¡corn dog, por favor!” while animal lovers root for the bull.  On Monday, the bull won. He didn’t merely gore a bullfighter in Mexico. He gored him in the anus. Unbeknownst to the matador, he was fighting Mexico’s undisputed Pin the Tail on the Donkey champion.

That’s right, the matador got John Holmes’d when 11.8 inches of bull horn violently checked him for polyps. Nothing alarming was found, but I doubt the matador will be tooting his horn about that anytime soon.

And, yes, I know the image at the top is the Chicago Bulls’ logo. This just might be the best bull highlight of the year … although the rest of their opponents this NBA season are likely to dive out of the way the next time a bull drives to the basket.

There’s more on this story at SB Nation. 

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