Coronavius testing shortage: You can’t find what you’re not looking for

(Photo: Unless this guy drives you to get a coronavirus test, you’re probably not going to get one.)

Big news!

Day 10 of self-quarantine, and I almost got tested. That’s the second time I’ve almost gotten tested in the past eight days, so we are definitely making progress on this testing front! Way to go, leaders!

I’m still hearing reports of five cases in one county, four there, and three here. Please remember that’s all baloney. The entire state of Georgia has tested fewer than 10,000 folks at this point, and the vast majority of those folks are in urban areas and places where they already knew there was an outbreak. So, whatever report of confirmed cases you hear, remember that (1) that’s not the number of actual cases, and (2) multiply that number and multiply it some more to get a better idea of how bad this really is.

This is not my doctors office’s fault. The doctor who gave me the “never mind you’re not close enough to death’s door to test” speech was down to her last mask and protective gear. They simply don’t have enough tests to spare on someone who might have the virus.

But that’s the whole problem with this fight: You can’t find what you’re not looking for. If there is a town populated entirely by 2,000 non-symptomatic, untested people, our current national and state approach is to look at that as a perfectly safe, non-outbreak “cold spot.” However, if we could mass test and find that 1,000 of those folks were unwittingly carrying and spreading the virus, I think we might not feel quite so safe there. New York is a hot spot, but it’s even hotter because they do more tests. I suspect they haven’t tested a single person in Possum Holler, Ga., but that doesn’t mean that Meth Meadows Trailer Park isn’t a full-blown coronavirus hot spot. It’d certainly be good to know before I make my post-quarantine party plans.

We just don’t know. No one knows. All we know is that come Easter, President Trump just might cancel the coronavirus and get us all back to normal, so that’s some good news from the man who singlehandedly cured windmill cancer.

Meanwhile, if you don’t know whether or not you have it (like 99.99 percent of us), please act as if you do have it and stay away from folks whenever possible. And if you’re one of the nearly dead or the rich and famous who does get to have a test, definitely stay on serious lockdown and keep it to yourself. And if you’re Prince Charles, stay away from the Queen.

We like her.


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