American adults aren’t much for the M word

Of all the words that begin with the letter M, “mandate” may the most hated one in America these days.

Oh sure, there are other strong contenders for most hated M word — such as mice, merlot, Missouri, monkfish, Marilyn Manson and, of course, manic monkeys — but, for now anyway, “mandate” tops the list.

Of course, those who are particularly upset with the word are mainly upset with it in terms of vaccine mandates, especially when they come from employers who mandate that their workers get the shot or go find another job. This is most upsetting to those who storm out of their high-paying, benefits-loaded job where they suffer through seven hours of meetings a day and tell the boss, “Take this job and shove it!” because there are so many job openings in America right now — such as fry cook at Jack-in-the-Box.

Way to go, Earl! You showed them! And you can work your way back up. I hear the last fry cook at your Jack-in-the-Box location is now the Assistant Associate Vice President of New Initiative Development at Rich Industries. So, there’s hope, Earl!

What do you mean that’s your old job? Oh, that’s right, he’s vaccinated. Oh well. By the way, Earl, I’m gonna need two extra ketchups.

But let’s not make the mistake of thinking it’s only anti-vaxxers or right-wingers who are against mandates. I realize a lot of folks who listen to right-wing radio and watch Fox News may think “mandate” is some sort of romantic excursion between two guys, which can cause some right-wingers panic attacks, so I get it. But that’s not what it means.

Mandates impact our lives every day. We’ve got businesses that tell us we have to wear shirts and/or shoes — or, as I call them, uppity places. We’ve got the government that tells drivers when to yield, when to use blinkers, and what to do at three- and four-way stops. Fortunately, 90 percent of drivers I see are true freedom fighters who refuse to cave in to those mandates.

And, I, too, have been horribly impacted by the oppressive government forces trying to run my life. For instance, I went to the grocery store on Sunday before the Falcons game to get some basics like bread, milk and brontosaurus steaks. On the way out, I decided to grab some beer so that I could safely watch the Atlanta Falcons.

It was 12:15 p.m. I guess I don’t buy enough beer to know that the State of Georgia won’t let me do that until at least 12:30 p.m. on a Sunday. I forget that we still have a little mix of church and state around here. I guess if you buy beer at 12:28 p.m., you go to hell, but at 12:31 p.m., the Lord is a little more forgiving.

I could have waited and cruised the store some more, but there’s no telling how many different kinds of other basics like potato chips, cheese straws and jerky I’d have wound up with in the next 15 minutes. And have you seen beef jerky prices lately? Wow! Thanks a lot, Joe!

I risked my life by following the Sunday beer sales mandate. Watching a Falcons game with mere water is downright dangerous. Tap water does not calm frazzled nerves.

I understand that you might be more willing to take the vaccine if it weren’t mandated. Adults hate being told they can or can’t do something. But, hey, at least y’all have an out that I don’t. I seen on them interwebs lately that you can bathe in Borax and de-vaccinate yourself. Seriously. I know you don’t trust the science on the vaccine, but I’m sure there are decades of extensive scientific research on Borax baths.

See, you have an option with your mandate that I don’t. There are decades of research on the Atlanta Falcons proving that there is no safe way to watch them play without a least a few beers, maybe a White Claw for my whiter friends (please don’t look in my fridge), and in some severe Falcons cases (which most are), tequila.

And a defibrillator nearby. In all cases.

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