Lately, President Trump has taken a lot of heat for turning to television for people to fill posts throughout his administration. Of course, that’s simply going to make him even more intent upon doing exactly that.
I say the president should double-down on this whole television administration thing. I know he’d like to basically employ all of Fox News, but I think that is far too limiting, and they make a lot more money scaring old white folks in primetime than they could all day in government. He should reach beyond punditry channels, news networks and reality TV. He should give some strong consideration to fictional TV characters.
For instance, I think Archie Bunker would make a great press secretary. Trump obviously does not care about political correctness, and Archie Bunker does not seem to be too fond of it, either. I would love to hear Archie take questions from all those Meatheads in the briefing room. “Geez Louise, Sciutto! Ain’t you got a question that’s got nuttin’ to do with what Trump done Tweetbooked on the pot this morning?”
How about Negan from “The Walking Dead” for secretary of state? I think talks with North Korea would go a lot faster if we had Negan walking around Kim Jong-Un while twirling a baseball bat wrapped with with barbed wire. “Lucille would like to hear Un little more about your disarmament plans, Kimmie!” Not only could we get those talks moving, but we could have our favorite TV show back from years of spinning wheels and going nowhere.
But even your ordinary fictional TV characters probably don’t go far enough. I mean, we’re talking about a president with audacity, the kind of guy who can spend his entire campaign telling folks Mexico is going to pay for a wall and then get mad when a budget doesn’t include money from American taxpayers for said wall. That takes guts to be able to say what you woulda meant to say when you shoulda meant to say it. That’s the kind of guy who can effectively recruit Yosemite Sam as defense secretary or Speed Racer as head of the National Transportation Safety Board. That’s right, he needs to expand his search to cartoon characters.
I’m reluctant to predict the next to go from the administration because that could be old news by the time this newspaper column runs hours from now. But at the time of this writing, Ben Carson is still HUD secretary. Granted, by Trumpian standards, he is overqualified for this position because he once lived in a house, nearly giving him experience in the department he leads. Unfortunately, he seems to have trouble staying awake and alert. And when you’re sleeping on the job, bad things happen — like your wife ordering overpriced furniture. So, I predict a higher-energy cartoon character replacing Carson soon — perhaps Droopy dog or Eeeyore.
Even Trump’s Ed “you are correct, sir”McMahon Vice President Mike Pence likely isn’t safe. I predict Barney Rubble might replace him. He has a lot of experience as Fred Flintstone’s yes man and many times has had to help bail Fred out of trouble with Wilma when he gets caught with dancing girls down at the Water Buffalo Lodge or spends too much time on the golf course hitting odd-shaped balls with a stick out of giant crocodiles’ mouths.
And, yes, even dagger-eyes Melania’s job as First Lady is tenuous. The guy goes through wives and mistresses faster than he does communication directors. He going to have a hard time finding a First Lady quite as forgiving as Melania because most cartoon ladies have too much spunk. Wilma Flintstone would pummel Trump with a brontosaurus leg if he tried any of his shenanigans with her. Jane Jetson is a possibility, but the younger Judy Jetson may have an advantage since she likely reminds Trump more of his daughter.
I suggest Velma Dinkley from “Scooby-Doo.” True, she’s likely too smart for the task, but she’s repeatedly shown that if we take away her glasses she’ll never know what she’s stepping into.