Are UFOs real? The alien I met thinks so

The U.S. government has recently been a little more open about UFO sightings over the years — meaning they’ve shifted their official stance from complete denial that they exist to a more transparent and scientific “We ain’t got no idea.”

I believe in objects. I believe things can fly. I believe things can exist without being identified. Therefore, I believe in UFOs, Unidentified Flying Objects. It doesn’t have to be controversial. For instance, last week I saw a fellow walking down the street and a friend asked me, “Is that Larry?”

“I don’t think so,” I responded. “Therefore, it’s simply an unidentified walking object.”

“But it moves in a totally unnatural way.”

“OK, maybe it is Larry.”

I once associated UFOs more with blips on a radar screen or weather phenomena than with flying saucers or the Millennium Falcon. Then, last weekend, a flying saucer landed in my backyard while I was grilling. Its pilot stepped out and approached me with a smile.

“Excuse me, human. I had the window rolled down in the Chevy Supernova there and couldn’t help but catch a whiff of what you got on the grill. Is that Ewok I smell?”

“If you can get a ribeye out of an Ewok, then maybe. We’ve had a bit of a meat shortage here, so I didn’t ask any questions. You’re welcome to stay and join us for supper, but you’re gonna have to park that thing in the front. We got covenants here. By the way, I’m Chris.”

“I’m …”

“Let me guess. You’re BX-247 or Rygelborg or Quark or …”

“Actually, that’s pretty offensive and a common misconception. The name’s Eddie. You probably also thought aliens were little green men, didn’t you, you racist.”

“Um, you are green.”

“Gasp! I clearly am shamrock — although I identify as emerald.”

“That UFO of yours was awfully quiet. How is it powered? Cold fusion?”

“Nah, it runs on Dogecoin and the tears of Atlanta’s pro sports teams’ fans.”

“What?”

“Sorry, I saw that Falcons flag there and couldn’t help myself. Yeah, cold fusion … and Dogecoin.”

“Music was pretty loud. Was that ‘Escape (The Pina Colada Song)’ I heard?”

“Yep, SiriusXM plays it like every other song on Yacht Rock Radio.”

“I know, right? So, I’ve got a few questions. Um, Marjorie Taylor-Greene …”

“I knew you’d start there.”

“… y’all abducted her and did something to her brain, right? C’mon, you can tell me.”

“See, that’s another common misconception. We don’t pick up humans anymore. You’re all dangerous, armed and fairly stupid. There’s nothing to learn. We haven’t abducted anyone since Richard Dreyfuss. Besides, Marjorie Taylor-Greene IS an alien. She’s shamrock on the inside.”

“Well, I’ll be. Explains a lot. So, she’s serious about these Jewish Space Lasers starting wildfires? I guess she would know.”

“Well, kinda. They’re actually Mennonite Space Lasers.”

“Hey, that’s pretty smart.”

“She’s pure genius. She may sound stupid, but it’s just a distraction. When y’all zig, she zags.”

“What about Louie Gohmert?”

“The change-the-orbit guy from Texas? Do not push him on aliens! That’s on y’all.”

“Do you mind if I take your Supernova for a spin? Will Smith made it look pretty easy in ‘Independence Day.’”

“You know that’s not a documentary, right?”

“Whaaa … I mean, yeah, of course.”

“Well, can you drive a stick?”

“Been a while, but, yeah, I learned to drive on a stick.”

“It’s a 16-speed.”

“Hmm, that’s a lot of shifting. Must be where your seven arms come in.”

“Are you making fun of the fact that I had my eighth arm amputated?”

“No, I had no idea.”

“Well, serves me right for piloting with my arm hanging out the window. They should do something about that 11^th Street underpass.”

So, why are you here? Are y’all invading? What do you want with Earth?”

“Whoa, hoss. Trust me, we DO NOT want Earth. This place is nasty. We prefer invading a more pristine planet. In fact there’s a planet almost exactly like Earth about 4 trillion light years from here — over yonder way — that is waaay better. It’s like here, but folks don’t push it to the brink of their own extinction. There are no countries because they all work together on the planet. Everyone helps each other. And there are no gnats, mosquitoes or yellow flies. It’s really quite nice.”

“Sounds like Utopia! No telling what kind of alien diseases they got there, though.”

“Again, offended. But you don’t have to worry about being sick there, ever. They don’t fleece their population with overpriced medicines because they have something called Medical Tequila. Cures everything. Oh, and there’s just one planetwide streaming service — HuluMaxAllAccessFlix-Plus — with every TV show for just $4.99 a month.”

“Wow! It is Utopia!! Take me with you!”

“I would, but I’m an Uber driver. I’m supposed to be picking up some dude named Voltron IV on Mars in five minutes.”

“So, there is life on Mars.”

“Shh. They don’t want Earthlings to know. It’s intelligent life, after all.”

“Yeah, I don’t guess I blame them. Not many Earthlings I like, either.”

By the way, your steak is burning.”

“Dadgummit! You distracted me!”

“No, that’s not it.”

“Wait, Mennonite Space Laser?!”

“Yep.”