Unvaccinated? Please stop reading immediately

If you have not been fully vaccinated against COVID-19 — and I mean with Moderna or Pfizer, not by Sister GiGi and her live chicken — I must ask you to stop reading now. This is a pro-science space today. Go out and about, spread the pandemic, unknowingly kill a few folks, and continue to stage the kind of environment that will allow the virus to further mutate, perhaps to a point where it might evade our vaccines and punish those who are doing the right thing. Remember, we can’t keep this pandemic going without you. Now, stop reading and get out there and exacerbate the problem until it’s too late to fix — as I suspect you’ll also do with climate change (or, likely, already have).

See ya later, unvaccinateds. Now …

If you have been vaccinated, feel free to keep reading, but you need to show me proof that you’ve had the vaccine — such as your vaccination card, an electronic pass, or the third arm you’re now growing. Or I can just use this here scanner device to check for Bill Gates’ microchip. Or, just pull up that hair covering the back of your neck. I knew it! 666! The mark of the beast! Classic vaccine side effect!

Ha! Just a little vaccine humor there, although Marjorie Taylor Greene likely just shared that last tidbit that she “done seen on the interwebs” and figures it must be true. But, seriously, hold up your card to your computer or your phone so I can see it. OK, looks legit. It better be because faking a vaccination card is a federal offense that can lead to fines and jail terms up to five years.

Wait! Where are you going, big guy?! Oh well, he didn’t look like a Gladys to me anyway.

Now that all those anti-vaxxer pandemic perpetuators and their conspiracy to commit murder and/or suicide are out of the picture, it’s about time we vaccinated folks have some fun together, just us! I want to celebrate your common sense and welcome you to the COVID Ain’t Killing Me Club. (I’d show you the secret handshake, but I’m still not ready to touch other humans.)

Of course, there is still a 1-in-900 chance that you still might catch a breakthrough COVID infection if you’re vaccinated and 1 in 108,825 odds that a vaccinated person will die of COVID (0.001%) as the unvaccinated account for a mere 99.999 percent of today’s COVID deaths. In short, I like your chances of staying alive and stuff.

Don’t get too comfortable, though. The chances that you will die of COVID are still greater than a few other bad things happening to you — such as your 1-in-3.7 million odds of dying in a shark attack (the fish, not the vacuum) or the 1-in-11 million odds that you’re going to die in a plane crash. And there is a 1-in-115,000 chance that a pogo stick accident will send you to the emergency room — which I found shockingly rare after my four pogo stick calamities last month alone.

Unfortunately, the odds of some good stuff happening to you are also pretty slim, such as winning the Powerball jackpot, 1-in-249 million. If you think those are tough odds, consider this: Warren Buffett offers a million bucks for life to anyone in his company who fills out a perfect March Madness bracket. The odds of that happening: merely 1-in-1.6 billion, conservatively.

But we are here to celebrate your good odds as a vaccinated person. Therefore, allow me to uplift you with some other things way more likely to happen to you than your dying of COVID:

  • Your odds of being audited by the IRS are a mere 1 in 220. But your odds are significantly less if you’re a wealthy, tax-dodging crook with a team of lawyers.

  • You’ve got a .03 percent chance of getting a perfect SAT score, which is better than your chances of dying of COVID — unless you’re a 51-year-old who has become way too reliant on calculators and Google, in which case they are waaaaaay lower.

  • The odds are 1-in-500 of polydactyly. No, that’s not a dinosaur. That’s when you have extra fingers and/or toes. The only time I’ve ever witnessed this was at a Jimmy Buffett concert, and there was a flip-flop-wearing fella who had six toes on each foot. I wonder what happened to that sixth little piggy after the fifth one cried “wee wee wee” all the way home.

  • You’d think there was a 1-in-365 chance of dying on your birthday, but it’s actually slightly more likely than that. A study found you are 6.7 percent more likely to die on your birthday than on any other day.

Speaking of which, I plan to celebrate my next birthday by flying to the beach and then trying to pogo stick over a pool of sharks during a thunderstorm while filling out my tax return. For most folks, there would be only about a 1-in-5 trillion chance of getting killed in the process.

For me and my weird self, though, those odds are pretty much 50-50.

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