I’m ready for the COVID vaccine, microchip and all

It looks like a COVID vaccine is finally on the way. Granted, there are millions of Americans who vow not to take it, nor allow their kids to take it. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that those are the same people who also don’t believe that the coronavirus is actually killing people, that climate change is real or that Donald Trump lost the election.

(Yes, I know the election was “rigged” … against one guy. Overall, the GOP had an outstanding election nationwide except for that one little race upon which the Democrats and zombie Hugo Chavez focused all of their energy. I mean, if you’re gonna rig an election, go all out. Get some McConnells and Grahams to complete your inaction figure set. C’mon, Dems!)

I’ve already had COVID, and while I lived through it (hang on, checking my pulse — yep, sure enough, lived through it), I’m not sure how much longer my supposed immunity lasts. Unlike when President Trump had it and they called in teams of doctors and experimental medicines, I was told to stay home and rest and try not to, you know, die and stuff. While Googling “How much longer do I have,” among the many things I learned about the virus was that my immunity should be anywhere from three to six months. Or less. Or more. Or forever. Or not at all Definitely one of those. Maybe.

If the vaccine were available to me tomorrow, I would take it — even with Bill Gates’ microchip in it. I mean, it’s hard to find a high-quality microchip like that. Yet, I don’t know for sure that would even be necessary for me at this very moment since I just had COVID in August. I had scheduled a 15-minute interview with Dr. Fauci to clear this up, but his assistant just told me that he’s too busy at the moment running naked around the National Institutes of Health while tossing flower petals and singing, “Born Free!

I agree that it should go first to health care workers, who likely have a much less hoax-y view of COVID. It also should go to folks in assisted-living facilities, first responders, teachers and everyone whose jobs are likely more important than mine. Unfortunately, smart-aleck Southern writers are waaaay down the line on the vaccine list.

OK, I’ve got one dose left.”

Me! Me!”

Hang on, Mr. Johnson. Is there anyone else? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? Fine. You can have the last one.”

And I’ll absolutely take it. I wear masks in public, but I loathe wearing a mask. Shedding that dang mask is one of the things I’m most looking forward to after the vaccine takes root in America. I’m also looking forward to being waited on in a restaurant, indoors. I’m looking forward to attending sporting events in a loud, packed stadium. I’m looking forward to knowing that if Georgia is scheduled to play a game on Saturday that it’s not always iffy. And I look forward to concerts by musicians I know at small venues to Stones-level stadium shows and everything in between. I especially look forward to at least one more Jimmy Buffett show before I die (hang on, pulse check, yep, still alive) because he’s in his 70s now and liable to get hurt while he’s out there still surfing and joyriding in his seaplane.

Of course, we’re going to need all Americans on board for this to work, even the science-deniers. If not, there is talk of some states seceding as the latest overreaction to one person’s election loss. Maybe we should let a couple go, such as both of the Dakotas, under one condition:

You let all of the science-denying, math-denying, conspiracy-believing, mask-shunning anti-vaxxers move there with no questions asked.

And then the rest of us left in the States will be chanting, “Build the wall! Build the wall!”

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