My exclusive interview with Vladimir Putin
One of the great things I love about being a world-famous journalist is the way prominent people jump at the chance to be interviewed by me …
Me: Hi everyone. As you can see, I’ve got my serious journalist face on and my formal flip-flops. Welcome to my new special “Nine people ruining the world for the other 8 billion.” Today, I’m speaking with Russian dictator — not president — Vladimir Putin. Hello.
Me: Thanks again for wearing a shirt. Now, first of all, you said that you had to invade Ukraine to get rid of the Nazis. We definitely don’t want any Nazis there. How is that going? You’ve gotta be about done by now.
Me: Your invasion has killed a lot of children, toddlers and babies. I’m curious: How exactly do you identify a 3-year-old Nazi? Is it the shoes? Little mustaches?
V: (Shrugs and twiddles thumbs)
Me: Why do so many politicians and media folks refer to this as a “war” in Ukraine when it is clearly nothing more than an illegal invasion? I mean, if someone breaks into your house and assaults you, they don’t call it a “fight”? It’s a home invasion, right?
V: (Shrugs left shoulder)
Me: Why is Russia still a permanent member of the U.N. Security Council? Isn’t that a little like hiring Jeffrey Dahmer as a permanent health inspector?
V: (Rolls eyes)
Me: You’ve also been bombarding Ukraine’s infrastructure and hitting their electric grid pretty hard. How are your soldiers going to be able to rape women and children if they can’t see? And is rape an effective tool for ridding countries of Nazis?
V: (Impatiently clicks pen)
Me: As for the — hang on, lemme Google this, ahh — Zaporizhzhia nuclear power plant, aren’t you afraid you might create a disaster worse than Chernobyl and have fallout in Russia or do you not care because you’re sick and are gonna die soon anyway? I mean, we all have our fingers crossed on that last part, I must admit.
V: (Cracks knuckles, then winces in pain)
Me: The United Nations was formed to make sure we never repeat the mistakes that led to World War II, yet they are. In fact, if there were a U.N. before World War II, Germany and Japan might still have a chance to win, don’t you think?
V: (Nods, kinda. No, wait, make that nods off)
Me: Brittney Griner is being detained 10 years for possessing just enough cannabis oil to relax about three gnats. Don’t you think that’s a bit excessive?
V: (Shrugs right shoulder)
Me: I know it’s like asking a parent to pick their favorite child, but, c’mon, tell us: Tucker Carlson or Marjorie Taylor-Greene? Who’s your favorite?
V: (Twirls index finger around temple)
Me: OK, we’ll consider that Marjorie. How does it feel to know that the world would be better off if you were never born? I mean, you are literally a complete waste of human flesh.
Me: What kind of name is Putin anyway? I mean, you must’ve gotten picked on a lot in middle school with that name. Is that why you’re so insecure now?
V: (Balls up fist)
Me: One of your rich minions admits to meddling in U.S. elections and says y’all plan to do it again. Now I know you didn’t collude with Trump — I mean, the man couldn’t collude with a toaster to make toast — but who did you collude with? Was it Roger Stone? Jason Miller? Barron?
V: (Crosses legs)
Me: Melania? I didn’t think she even wanted to be first lady. Huh, go figure. Finally, is it really worth it to be the bad guy. I mean, I don’t believe in a “hell” per se, but if there were one, you’d rot in it for eternity. You don’t worry about that, being, again, the total waste of human flesh that you are?
V: (Raises middle finger)
Me: Put that finger down! Where did you get that?
V: (Shrugs, puts finger down)
Translator: OK, I’m back. When you gotta go, you gotta go. You can begin the interview now.
M: We’ve been doing the interview. He doesn’t speak English?
Translator: Well, I think he can say “hello” in English.
Translator: OK, American journalist person. You may begin.
Me: Nah, I’m done. Thank you.
V: You’re welcome. Dimitri, please escort Mr. Johnson out and be sure he stops at the window for that amazing view of the city you can only get from here on the 40th floor. Open it so he can get a real good look.
Me: You do speak English! Thank you! And thank you to all of you at home for watching. Tune in next week when I’ll ask a pharmaceutical CEO about profiteering off of sick people and why the pharmaceutical reps who go into male doctors’ offices are usually pretty women while the pharmaceutical reps who go into female doctors’ offices are usually handsome dudes. Is that pure coincidence? Can ugly people not sell medicine? Stay tuned!
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