At the end of every episode of “Barney and Friends,” a giant purple slightly-too-happy tyrannosaurus rex led the show’s young stars in singing the “I Love You” song:
I love you/You love me/We’re a happy family/With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you/Won’t you say you love me too?
Children happily sang along because Barney would eat children who did not cooperate — a scene more brutal than any in “Jurassic Park” because Barney had no incisors, just a bunch of molars which required hours of grinding the children down into digestible portions.
We sure could use Barney right now, not just to do away with uncooperative children but to teach us about love, harmony and being a part of one big happy family. Unfortunately, Barney was canceled in 2009 after becoming the first celebrity caught up in the #MeToo movement when he gave great big hugs and kisses to Stella the Storyteller without her consent. Despite producing a calendar showing he was out having beers with friends at the Pterodactyl Club when the incident supposedly happened, Barney lost his show. He was last spotted in September singing “The Clean-Up Song” while collecting aluminum cans along a roadside in Topeka to support his drug habit.
If you’re still reading, my point is that we have endured a brutal election season that finally ends today. With only two viable political parties, tribalism and partisanship is out of control. Also, if you’re still reading, what kind of freak are you? No one reads anything longer than a Tweet anymore. That’s why Americans grow more stupid every day. SMDH
Tonight, we will find out who wins the race for governor in Georgia. I voted early. In fact, it’s been so long since I voted that I can’t remember exactly who was on the ballot. I think it was between Oprah, Donald Trump and Will Ferrell, who must be the Libertarian.
Now it’s time to put all the hate aside no matter whether Oprah, The Donald or Ricky Bobby wins. It’s time to do as Barney would do — embrace our political foes and …
Well, of course, you got a black eye. You can’t just walk up to someone whose positions are the extreme opposite of yours and literally embrace them without getting a black eye. Ask Barney. Yes, I know she’s your Aunt Betty, but this election has ripped everyone apart, including families. Besides, everyone knows to look out for Aunt Betty’s left hook. I meant you should figuratively embrace your political foes.
Most of my extended family’s political views are the opposite of mine. Some of the family I’ve acquired by marriage have even de-friended me on Facebook over my political views. I guess I got de-familied. Half of my friends on Facebook are liberals, and half are conservatives, but I don’t de-friend anyone over political views. I believe they have every right to their wrong opinions. And I definitely haven’t de-familied anyone, although I snooze many who share blatantly false items.
After today, though, we’ve got to get back to arguing over stuff other than politics. There are much better reasons to hate folks other than just whether they are a Democrat or Republican. Let’s instead argue about SEC football, chocolate or vanilla, whether pineapple ever belongs on pizza (it doesn’t), whether we hate summer or winter more, if Bigfoot is real (duh), cable or satellite and whether Kanye West is an untalented idiot or merely untalented.
Then again, there’s a pretty good chance thanks to the I-love-hemp Libertarian that no candidate gets to 50 percent of the vote in today’s Georgia gubernatorial election and we get to fight it all out and fast-forward through attack ads on our DVR for another month. The runoff would be Dec. 4. If there’s indeed a runoff, I’d put off hugging your political foes until then.
Especially Aunt Betty.