Desperately needed words of wisdom, Southern-style

Ever since humans began speaking a couple million years ago — a time anthropologists officially refer to as way back when — man has been sharing words of wisdom, maxims, proverbs, adages, axioms and … Dang it! This online thesaurus site done crashed on me again!

Anyway, what I was trying to imply, suggest, intimate, and connote is that ever since the first words of wisdom were spoken by that legendary caveman, uh, make that caveperson Ugh Bugga Jr. — “fire hot” — maxims just keep coming until there are so many that we begin to forget some very valuable advice. Even Ugh Bugga had to use prehistoric Pinterest to draw a fire on the cave wall to reiterate “fire hot.” Today, we are much more efficient, so when a toddler approaches the stove we just say, “Hot!” If they’re at least 3 years old, then we text “Hot!” or “H” to their smart phone.

Down South, we’ve got a lot of sayings that are not necessarily words of wisdom but are definitely Southern. When I’d leave my grandmother’s house as a child, she’d often say things like, “Don’t take no wooden nickels.” I’m not exactly sure what that meant, but to this day I’ve yet to take a wooden nickel. With my luck, though, a wooden nickel is probably worth about $3 million now, considering that even imaginary cryptocurrency like Bitcoin can be worth $45,000.

Clearly, mankind — or humankind or theykind, whatever you prefer — is getting a little stupider with each passing day. If you don’t believe me, check the comments on any Facebook post about science, medicine, politics or, OK, anything. And the more ignorant they are, the more confident they are that they are geniuses and the louder they are about it. No one is more confident than a fool. As my Uncle Bertrand used to say: “The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts.”

Fortunately, as always, I’m here to help. It’s what I do. I’m a helper. As Mister Rogers said, in a crisis, look for the helpers. Well, don’t look for me because I don’t like people much these days and am tired a lot. But I can help by sharing words of wisdom that folks really need to hear these days. And since I’m down South, I’m going to put them in terms that folks round these here parts can understand. So, please take these valuable little maxims to heart:

• Don’t be doin’ nothin’ to nobody that you wouldn’t be wantin’ them doin’ to you.

• The pen’s mightier than the sword and dang near as powerful as an AR-15.

• A fool and his money’s welcome at my house Saturday for poker night.

• Cross that bridge when we get to it. You first. I ain’t too sure bout that infrastructure.

• If you lie down with dogs, you’ll get up … Um, hang on. Can you scratch right below my shoulder blade? A little to the right. Your other right. Ahhhhh. That’s it.

• Money don’t grow on trees. On marijuana plants, yes, but not trees.

• Birds of a feather flock together. Oh, are we still on for dove huntin’ Friday?

• Folks who got a lot of windows in their trailer shouldn’t throw no rocks.

• Two heads are better than one, but I still think Ethel shouldn’t have done meth while she was expectin’.

• The best things in life are free, so I always check to see if folks done locked their tool shed.

• Slow and steady wins the race. At least I keep tellin’ myself that as a Derrike Cope fan.

• Two wrongs don’t make a right. That’s what Judge Jones done said at my sentencin’.

• And, finally, if you can’t beat ‘em, it must be ROLL TIDE!